Dark humor

On Tuesday I was driving to physical therapy (i finally got discharged from it, yay) when I noticed a bulletin board on the side of the road. It's probably been there since I moved, but it's just back enough of the road and in trees enough for it not to be really noticeable. I tend to focus on the road when i'm driving which is a good thing. It says that depression can be fatal if it's not treated and to call some number. I just find it stupid because they are leaving out that depression can be fatal even WITH treatment. I'd had a pretty good weekend, although things took a bit of a dip Sunday. Prior to that I was beginning to believe things were changing and would maybe get better. I don't think I believe that anymore. I'm not suicidal by a long shot, I actually wish I was as the option sounds pretty good right now. Now I'm just worn out and broken down and I don't particularly know how to keep trying anymore.

There is so much to catch up on here but I don't have the energy right now. There have been changes. I moved, I do really like where I live now. My dog no longer lives with me, she had horrid anxiety at night here and I can't get her used to it no matter what I try. I miss her terribly and it's affecting me a lot the past few days. I haven't had contact with anyone in my family (except text messages to my mother for money) other then brief contact with my grandfather in about a month. That's been very hard on some levels but incredibly freeing in other ways. It does make me sad. I still wish I had a family who care about me but it's too broken now. It's adding to the sadness and isolation I feel at the moment.

I've been all over the place with therapy. I love it, I hate it, I trust her, I don't. Now I'm ready to quit again due to the incredible sadness and weariness. Things just don't seem to be getting better. I'm in a different place but it's a whole new pile of shit to wade through and I don't have the strength.

oops, i disappeared

I've neglected this blog for far too long. A lot has happened and changed. I will hopefully have the time and energy to update in the near future. I've been getting tired very easily lately because therapy is draining me of a lot of energy. I'm happy to be able to say the five month long severe depression has finally ended. January had it's ups and downs but I managed to get through them without hitting critically severe depression levels or getting suicidal. And after the months of August through December that is not something to be ignored.

I've got a potentially busy weekend coming up so the update might not be in the next few days. And so much has changed and so much time has elapsed that I couldn't coherently or concisely update everything. But I want to hit the highlights and will do so over the next week or so.

Catch up of sorts

I am absolutely going to move. I'm looking into ways to break my lease. I am going insane here. Thankfully video game guy just FINALLY stopped at 9PM. I'll see if it lasts. I'm not sure if he stopped or just finally turned it down but it was so loud I could hear/feel it without my implant on and it was annoying repetitive crappy shit. My lease is up in December and moving that time of year sucks in this state. I can't stand the noise here anymore. I had to get in a fight with the leasing office to get them to send out an email about the person who's alarm wakes me up at 3AM. I'd asked them to send an email out about it before and they never did. I called them again a few weeks ago and they said they would send one out. A week later I called and asked why it hadn't been sent again. Turns out the one they sent before didn't mention alarm clocks, just general noise issues. I told them they needed to put alarm clocks in it specifically because no one will connect that with general noise. After a lot of arguing with them they finally did so. This is my second night home so we'll see how that goes as it isn't a daily occurrence but its enough to be annoying. The video game music tonight was bad enough that I nearly went to my mother's to sleep and get away from it.

I'm pretty sure my therapist and psychiatrist will write letters for me to move because the guy below calling the police on me has freaked me out. I don't have an issue with the police but having them randomly show up and then treat me differently due to my hearing loss isn't making me happy. The guy downstairs is incredibly unstable and I don't feel safe when I see him. He's the one who told me last summer that a wolf stole his hamburger meat off his grill. Where I live thats not possible and there were no huskies in the complex at the time. I think either tomorrow or Monday I'm going to try to either call or make an appointment with someone at a realty group that might help me be able to find an apartment. I just want something quiet and safe. I've been looking on craigslist but haven't found anything. If i have to threaten to take them to court to get out of the lease I just might do so.

In other news, therapy is going well and so is church stuff. I had a really good conversation with my minister today about prayer, suicide, life, and trust. My therapist did some experiential stuff on Tuesday and it was beneficial. I had a good session with her today and just sent her a long email on my thoughts on it. I start equine therapy tomorrow. I've also applied for a per diem activities assistant job and I am beginning the process of looking into grad school for music therapy. That will be a SLOW process and I'm only in the information gathering stage. I don't want to do psychotherapy with it but rather therapy with dementia patients or possibly kids with disabilities. I need to brush up on my music skills though and also need to get somewhat more stable. I don't plan to apply this year but possibly next year if all goes well.

I've currently got a huge fruit fly infestation and so just set out traps with dish soap and apple cider vinegar and they absolutely are helping. It's really gross. That's what happens when the trash sits for a long time, even if it is covered.

What else have I been up to? I've been swimming again, although I couldn't go today as I pulled a neck/shoulder muscle and it really hurts. Its better now then it was this morning. I'm not sure if I'll try to go tomorrow or will rest another day. I've started flute lessons again and I am loving it even more now then in the past. My grandfather turned 89 and is temporarily without a license after failing the eye exam. He goes to the eye doctor Tuesday and hopefully will get it back afterwards. He needs to get it back otherwise I'm going to be driving him lots of places. Tomorrow I have to take him to Market Basket which is hell on earth. Great prices yes, but overcrowded all the time. I haven't been there in over two years at this point.

My dog's electrocardiogram went as well as it could have gone. She does have heart disease and a murmur but doesn't need medication yet, although she will in the future. It saddens me and makes the realization that she won't live forever a little bit more real. I cried for a few hours after getting the news, even knowing it was the best news I could hope for.

I guess that is mostly it. I've been so busy lately I never seem to have time to catch my breath and write either here or in my paper journal. Hopefully things will begin to settle down and normalize more soon.

Sick

I have a nasty cold. It is too early in the season to have a cold, especially one this bad. I think if someone had shot me in the head yesterday only mucus would have come out, no blood. Today it seems to be moving down my body and I feel it more in my chest and throat, this has to mean it is leaving. Right? Please tell me that is accurate! I'm running a bouncy house at church tomorrow and need to feel better. Today I'm dragging and exhausted. I've found eating massive amounts of raw garlic on toast to be helpful. I'm also doing a crap ton of other stuff, both natural and two more conventional remedies to make this more tolerable.

So even in my miserableness of having a cold there is some good news. I met with the equine therapist yesterday and she was nice. I was comfortable with her. And even more amazing is she and the owner of the program have decided to see me for free for two months (twice a month) until she can begin taking my insurance! I have never had anyone offer me anything like that and was astounded by the offer. They have four horses, two miniature and two bigger ones. I won't be riding them as the therapist doesn't have a riding teachers license. I'm OK with that because I'm scared of horses at this point. I think this is something that could be beneficial. At the very least it will be interesting.

I'm currently waiting for my Y scholarship to go through. Once that goes through I can begin to swim again. I need to try to get in better shape. I'm not in horrific shape, but I am not in good shape. And I am still obese thanks to the Clozaril. I wish I had never tried that medication. I've also put feelers out to try to find a yoga therapy my therapist suggested and possibly martial arts. The last two are unlikely due to cost but I'm just finding out options.

I saw my pdoc on Wednesday. It went well. She's trying to get my labs from when I was inpatient and then is going to order her own. She tests for things other doctors don't. She mentioned the MTHFR gene in particular, as well as thyroid stuff that she looks at differently. Plus when we discussed my weight she said she is going to order this nutritional analysis that my insurance will actually cover that will help find out how my body reacts to food or something. This was all brought up when I mentioned I'd needed a B-12 shot in the hospital. I also lamented the weight gain from Clozaril and she suggested the nutritional analysis thing. I'm temporarily back on Trazodone due to my inability to sleep well. It didn't work the first two nights but last night I finally slept. I'm hoping this is partly due to my cold and I won't need it once its gone. Although there is some apprehension buried within around sleeping right now so maybe not. I'm still supposed to go to respite on Monday though and so maybe there with other people around I'll feel safer and can sleep without it.

Therapy was uneventful on Thursday compared to how it has been going. Mainly because the cold had gotten bad and she wouldn't come near me. So we just talked. Some interesting things were raised that I need to think more about.

The most difficult news as of late is my dog has a heart murmur. I'm bringing her in for an electrocardiogram on Wednesday to learn more. I'm hoping it is minor and pills can correct it.

jessa

in the interest of not typing everything again this is copied from an email to our therapist.

there is a 'new' one. she keeps laughing and saying she's not new, she's always been here but is just making herself known. its been a weird random day and we ended up in . driving home there were thoughts of tattoos and nose piercings, as when we pierced our nose (and the three times we did the belly button too) it was in . it seemed a bit hypomanicky but we weren't worried and then followed the thought and thinking and suddenly jessa introduced herself. she's probably most similar to core me, just more amplified and free spirited. probably more the me i would have been at her age if we'd been not did. she's either 21 or 23, she's going back and forth on that and we're not clear. 21 is what she has said the most but other times its 23 and she's done with college. she's very free spirited and maybe is even part of the core personality at times. she's more apt to go further off the path though because she missed out and wants what she missed.

this has been weird and it was a interesting drive home having the internal conversation. we were able to drive safely during it. she laughs like silverly bells. and it makes a little bit of sense as 21/23 is about the upper limit of how old we ever feel. she might also be one of the ones (along with callie) who is able to help maintain the bubbly happy cover we seem to show to so many people.

our therapist responded that this was an excellent discovery.

and we responded to that with: maybe, but its scary to know this means there are probably more i'm not aware of. i thought i'd figured them out and they were mapped and apparently thats not the case. then again given that you felt resistance or something yesterday that i didn't feel at all maybe i shouldn't be surprised by this, especially given the events of the last few weeks.

Back again

Wow. Things have been bad. We ended up hospitalized for 12 days. It sucked but wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Not even close. After what happened to us last year (being told we were psychotic and then when they realized the DID was accurately diagnosed they panicked not knowing what to do) we didn't dare hope for what happened this year. It literally came down to the wire and there were times when suicide seemed incredibly likely. However, we refused the hospital for at least a week because we were terrified of being sent back where we went last year. We also knew help would be very limited, possibly non-existent and damage could worsen. Hospitals in this state aren't designed to treat but for crisis management. Sadly though that leads to continuous revolving hospital stays for many people because they are discharged not as suicidal but with the underlying causes generally not addressed at all. And we were terrified of that happening because we came alarming close to suicide this time and if we were discharged without help/too soon we weren't going to try again.

Thankfully we ended up in a decent place and got some help, mainly being kept safe until we could begin using coping skills again. Our case manager and therapist REALLY went to bat advocating for us and what we needed. We were able to stay in touch with them through email and phone. That also helped a huge amount. The hospital was difficult and triggering at times. It was supposed to originally be a 3-4 day stay. That didn't happen due to the challenges of aftercare but my outpatient team made sure things were planned as best they could be for me. Without them there is no doubt we would have been discharged much earlier and not able to handle things.

We got home Tuesday. It was awesome to get home as we got in a power struggle with the inpatient team on Monday and had hit our limit of what we could tolerate. They were going to keep us even longer but finally let us go. Thank goodness! We've reconnected with our outpatient team and other supports. We are in a much much better place and are no longer praying for the strength to commit suicide. Things are better with our outpatient team too as we were ready to stop seeing them. We were pretty confused and upset but this is a pattern this time of year.

Our therapist is changing things up and focusing on bodywork and being present in it. Not too sure what to think of this yet. Actually, we did it the first time on Thursday and hated it. Things have been good since being home. Very busy and a lot to catch up on and deal with. There is a plan in place for us to go to respite on the 9th if we want or need to. We are going to reassess and see where we are then. There is also the possibility of adding in equine assisted therapy to our treatment. This is exciting but terrifying as we are pretty scared of horses.

Things were bad, really bad, and suicide was very very close to happening. Hopefully next year respite can prevent the need to be sent inpatient and allow us to continue working with our team and getting treatment but the extra support needed during this time of year.

Again

And just like that, hope has been completely dashed again. Not that I'd really gotten any back to begin with but I was trying to find something to hold on to. I'm back to praying for the strength to die. I no longer have the strength to keep fighting this. I'm not at the point of suicide yet but can't keep on like this.

I've let my therapist know I can't keep on after tomorrow. It's nothing she has done, but I need more then outpatient care. Sadly, that is all that is available to me as the inpatient care available to me won't treat me. The last time I tried it they said they didn't know what to do. I've realized I don't really want to die but I don't really know what else to try. If I could find more intense treatment I'd jump at it. Unfortunately nothing is available and I can no longer fight this as an outpatient. I just have to manage to get through tomorrow's appointment without being sectioned.