Crawling to a stop

Things have been slow the last few days. It's driving me bonkers. The past few weeks I've just been constantly on the go and I've gotten used to it. I like it. I've been swimming, doing stuff at church, my flute lesson and practice, therapy, and just constantly going. I admitted in therapy last week that part of why I've been keeping so busy is so I don't have to think about things. I was doing that on a subconscious basis but when I said that it rang true. Last week was SO busy. I never stopped, except to sleep. I was stressed with everything I was doing but there wasn't anything I didn't want to be doing and so I kept doing it.

Friday night I met a friend in a nearby city. A bonus was we found a restaurant with vegan pizza and food! So yummy. We went to an energy healing clinic which was amazing. I felt so good afterward. I cried and sat by the fire for a bit but it was healing. And then we went back for the drum circle. Best drum circle ever. It's held monthly and I am absolutely going back next month. The energy clinic is the same night as well and so I plan to do both again. The drum circle was fabulous. The nicest people were there and I totally let loose and had a blast. I drummed, I tried a xylophone type instrument. I attempted a wooden flute but the fingering was too weird since I'm used to the classical Boehm flute. I tried a recorder. I even danced. I loved every minute of it.

Saturday dawned and I went swimming. I was resting when my mom asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her and my sister, as it was the sister's birthday. I decided to go without thinking it through. Lunch was at Olive Garden. I got extremely overwhelmed with all the lights, noise, and people. I made it through the soup and then went home, leaving them to bring my meal home. I dissociated horribly. I pretty much went to bed for the day but figured I'd be OK by Sunday.

Sunday rolled around and I felt irritable. My head hurt and I wanted to scream at the world. I tried to swim before church but the pool wasn't open yet. I reasoned I could go after church. I honestly wouldn't have gone to church if I hadn't had to go to a meeting after the service. I felt like crap and wanted to bite off everyone's heads. I made it through the service and then went upstairs to wait for the meeting. The meeting was endless. There was one person in particular who I was about ready to strangle as he was making it drag on and on and on. My minister finally ended it and I left. I came home to bed. Other then letting the dog out I didn't get out again until Tuesday. I spent the majority of Monday crying for no reason. My headache worsened throughout Sunday through yesterday.

Yesterday I dragged myself to the pool. I was missing the exercise and sometimes being in the water will calm me down. I was hoping it would take the edge off my headache or irritation. No. It worsened both. I was ready to scream and lash out at the world and my head was splitting. I had tried ibuprofen but didn't think it would do much good. This is all psychological and meds aren't going to make much of a difference. I went to therapy. She got the anger and pain and headaches and all of it was just radiating off me. I cried and said I didn't want to be like this. That I didn't trust myself to be around people because I couldn't control the anger and was afraid of lashing out at people for no reason. I was drawing during the appointment and she asked me to try drawing two things. The second thing was s funny face. I drew it and she asked if she could add to it. I said yes and then started laughing at what she added. As I was laughing I told her to stop making me laugh because I was mad and didn't want to laugh!

I think at some point I told her I feel like I'm not making progress. That I've stagnated and am possibly going backwards. She disagreed. She said I'm feeling things now. That two years ago, even a year ago I was denying that I was angry at all. And now I'm feeling it and even admitting it at times and to her that is progress. She said it doesn't feel good but it is progress. I'm blanking on the end of the appointment. I know I got triggered and there was some dissociation. I was hiding from her behind both my hair and my stuffed lion while I cried. I was pretty out of it when I left and actually had a hard time driving home.

When I got home I went to bed. I watched some TV. I practiced flute for 30 minutes and that was my day. My head was still killing me and so at the suggestion of my therapist I took out my acupressure book and spent over an hour doing that. It seemed to help a lot. I was terrified of going to sleep. I never sleep in total darkness but have had to have the big light on for at least a week now. Eventually I slept.

So today, today was going to be the day my head stopped aching and I could go back to my regularly scheduled life, right? Nope, wrong. I woke up early and my head wasn't hurting badly. A great sign until I got out of bed and I could tell the headache was just below the surface, begging to come back to life. I hoped maybe it would pass and I could go out and do something. Nope. I've spent the day in bed doing nothing but watching TV, coming online, and reading a bit. I am going out of my mind with boredom and annoyance over this. I took a nap and woke up exhausted. I have things I want to do. Things I need to do. I don't have time to be stuck in bed!

I badly need to clean my apartment. I need to swim. I need to practice flute. I need to go do stuff at church. I need to just get up and out and back to life and no, not possible today.

I guess the good part is that at least today I don't feel quite so furious at the entire world. I'm not ready to kill people just for looking in my direction or just for breathing. I'm calmer in that aspect.

I'm thinking the moral of all of this is not to push myself quite so hard. That possibly my mind, body, and spirit all just collapsed from everything I've been doing. There has been so much going on, both internally and externally. Given that I've accomplished nothing today I'd have to wager a guess that my whole being was at the collapsing point.

In more good news my pdoc found someone for me to see when she leaves. This is awesome news. I'm a bit nervous as this pdoc specializes in bipolar and schizophrenia. I'm technically diagnosed with Bipolar I but no longer believe it is accurate, which my therapist agrees with me about. My main issues are PTSD and DID. I hope the new pdoc can work with those and not focus on what looks like bipolar but probably isn't. Anyhow, I called new pdoc today to make an appointment with her and she sounded pretty nice on the phone so I'm hopeful this will work.

Tomorrow's agenda is flute lesson, therapy, and writing group. Additional hopes of being able to swim and go help at church are tossed in as well. The reality is I'm considering rescheduling my flute lesson for next week, possibly going to church, definitely going to therapy, and hopefully making it to writing group. As badly as I want to swim and go to my flute lesson I'm getting the feeling I still need more rest, which just might make me even crazier then I already am.

I'm tired of being stopped like this. I want to get back on the train and finish this journey!