Freaking out

I'm rather nervous and unsettled tonight. There are two main reasons for this. The first is that therapy was canceled today. The fact that it was canceled is enough to shake me up a bit in and of itself. What is really freaking me out is that the office called to let me know. Not my therapist. This has never happened. Ever. She rarely cancels but when she has had to do so or has had to reschedule she always calls me herself. I'm terrified that something is drastically wrong with her or her family. And since I'm heading in the direction of sheer terror and catastrophizing I will admit in my head I'm worried she's dead. Or maybe something happened to her parents or children and she is going to be gone for a long time, maybe forever. I'm supposed to see her again on Tuesday but am terrified that appointment will be canceled too. If I knew that appointment was definitely going to happen I could relax a little bit. I'm trying to rationalize that it isn't likely she is dead or gone but I'm really scared that she didn't contact me herself. I was pretty out of it when I left my appointment Tuesday and so I'm petrified something is really wrong.

And the other reason is I woke up with scratches on my chest. Claw marks if you will, on both sides of my chest. This has happened before but they were always really mild and would go away in the shower. I wasn't ever sure what to think about it but wasn't overly concerned. I just found it odd. But then today they were a little bit deeper. And now at 11PM one is still visible on my left side. I'm worried that someone inside is doing this and I'm completely unaware of it. It makes sense but I usually have some degree of co-consciousness and have none with this. I'm not really worried about harming myself but this freaks me out a bit. I'm scared someone inside will take over and do something without anyone else being aware of it.

I have an email address for my therapist that I'm allowed to use. I'm considering emailing her tomorrow and apologizing for emailing her but saying in the email that something really weird and upsetting is going on, and that if its OK for me to email her in a bit more depth about it to let me know. I don't want to bother her if something major is going on in her life. But I'm so scared, both by her not calling and by this weird thing going on with me too.

My case manager is away so it's not even an option to call her. Ugh. My therapist is currently really the only one I can talk to about this.