In awesome news

In awesome news my therapist isn't dead or unconscious or anything horrible like that. With the encouragement of friends on a support forum I sent her an email this morning. I don't think I want to repost the email I sent here. It's a bit embarrassing. I did admit that my mind had gone into catastrophizing mode and I was terrified she was dead. I told her I did know that was probably overreacting and that I was trying to calm down but was really scared and needed to know she wasn't dead. I was also trying to make clear that I really, really didn't want to intrude on her personal life and was trying hard not to completely lose it. That I felt really guilty emailing her.

So essentially I asked her to let me know if she wasn't dead. That I really needed to know that. And that if she wasn't dead would it be OK if I emailed her about something that was scaring me. Again, I tried to explain that while I really wanted to email her about the whole scratching thing I didn't want to bother her if something was going on in her life.

She responded very quickly that she wasn't dead or going away. I started crying when I read that. I was even more terrified then I had admitted to myself. And then she told me it was OK to email her about what was going on, that this was why the email system had been set up, and that she would respond when she was able to do so.

I emailed her the gist of what was going on. She hasn't responded yet and that is OK. Just knowing she isn't dead or going away is a huge relief. It's embarrassing to me that my mind went there but I think she understands why that happened. I'm much more secure with her then I've been with other therapists in the past, well with any therapist ever. The fear of her leaving still comes up sometimes but not like it used to. And honestly this time I wasn't really afraid of her going away. I didn't think she would choose to do that. I was more afraid that she was dead which obviously wouldn't allow her to make that choice.

Wow. This is pretty significant for me to realize. Especially because when I started seeing her almost two years ago (this coming May will be two years) in my first appointment I flat out told her I saw no point in coming to see her because she would only get sick of me too. She assured me she wouldn't. I didn't believe her. I guess, somewhere along the way, that changed. Even knowing she is moving her practice to a neighboring state which might make it impossible for me to keep seeing her (insurance crap, not because of distance) I think I believe she will try to find a way for that not to happen.