Hopefully its only a detour

There are very few journeys on which you can go straight from the beginning to the end without getting lost or sidetracked. And even if you don't get lost there can be difficult terrain to cover. I'm currently either lost or in difficult terrain. I may even be lost in difficult terrain just to make things that much more fun. I'm tired. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. I've been having anxiety about going to sleep. I stay up until I can't stay up anymore but I'm still getting the requisite hours I need. However, apparently I have been sleeping but I've been having nightmares and flashbacks in my sleep. I wasn't aware of this until I woke up Wednesday night to go to the bathroom caught in a flashback/nightmare state that seemed to be happening right in my apartment. I was so confused by it and a little bit scared as this particular brand of flashback had never really happened to me before. I further realized there were sleep issues going on when I woke up exhausted today even though I had supposedly slept through the night. I've been crying all day. It's annoying. It has been a difficult day but not one that should have me in tears like this. Yes, I fell on the ice and landed on my back and hit my head. And yes, my dog is sick with diarrhea and my back hurts too much to get her out when she does her emergency dance every 20 minutes. Yes, I've lost my iPod which was found by someone in my building but its looking like someone else might have claimed it was theirs. All of that sucks but today it is sending me over the edge in a way it normally wouldn't. I'm just so overtired its affecting every aspect of life. I saw my psychiatrist today and she put me back on trilafon and prazosin to try and see if I can get some peaceful sleep which will make things better. The prazosin blocks my nightmares and flashbacks. I was able to go off it last April (as well as the trilafon) but apparently I need them again. She said I can go off them again once things stabilize. I cried about having to go back on them (big surprise there, right?) but also recognized I can't handle being like this much longer. I sobbed through the whole appointment and have to go back in two weeks instead of my normal four weeks. And to make my day even better my psychiatrist told me she is leaving the clinic in April and going into private practice. Medicaid and medicare won't cover anyone in private practice. I can't process that right now and so am not even trying to. There is a doctor there who has covered for her before who I know a bit and like. She has a lot of experience with dissociative disorders and PTSD so if she is able to take me on the switch won't be quite so brutal. It still massively sucks though because this doctor has been great with me and I've been seeing her for around eight years, possibly longer. And I have major trust issues, as do many trauma survivors. So I'm wandering right now. I'm lost. I have to find my way out of this yet again. I'm hoping that this will be a quick detour. That I won't be caught in this black thicket of thorns for very long. Some detours are fun (especially the ones where you run into butterflies and follow them) and then there ares ones like this that truly suck. I think part of what is bothering me so much is how this one has pretty much come out of nowhere. In the past when I've had nightmares/flashbacks when asleep I didn't always remember them but could tell it had happened by how my body felt in the morning. There was/is none of that this time. Maybe if I can get some decent sleep tonight the sun will shine tomorrow and lead me out of this dark space. I'm hoping this is a detour and I'm not actually lost because at least with a detour you are on the right path.