Light on the path

When I last wrote on Friday things were difficult. They stayed that way. It's been a rough couple days but I think I'm finally pulling out of it. I'll break this into pieces and start with Saturday. I stayed in bed all day. I still hadn't slept well and my back hurt from the fall. I was exhausted and emotional. My dog was sicker then she's ever been in the nearly nine years I've had her. She had diarrhea everywhere. I couldn't clean it and just cried. I called the vet and they said to put her on a boiled meat and rice diet. Great, except I'm vegan and have none of that stuff, my back hurts so I can't drive, and even if I could drive I don't know how to cook meat! It was mom to the rescue. We have our issues and our moments but I called her for help. She cooked chicken and rice and brought it over to me. (She lives about five minutes away by car.) Success, my baby could be fed again and I could go back to crying in bed. Sunday was a tad better. I was still overemotional and still woke up exhausted. I decided not to go to church because I didn't trust myself to be around people. And my dog was sick and I didn't want to stress her out by making her go. (She's a service dog and so comes to church with me.) I was still really anxious and irritable so I decided to take a large dose of trilafon. For the longest time it didn't make a difference but I actually ended up taking a nap late in the day. i even played around with my guitar for about 15 minutes. Not much but better then nothing. And two people from church reached out to me to make sure I was OK because I never miss church unless I'm in the hospital. These two are the only ones other then the minister who know about the DID and so I did let them know things were rough due to nightmares and lack of sleep. Both Saturday and Sunday I did a lot of reading. I also spent a lot of time on Pandys, a website for survivors of sexual assault. See the link to the right. Thank god for that site. My therapist found it for me and it has been a godsend. Yesterday I got a call from my therapist. She couldn't see me today as she had planned because the clinic she is returning to was making her go through proper channels. And then she added in that they weren't guaranteeing that her clients returning with her could stay with her. Um, what?!?!? Cue panic. She told me not to worry that she could make a strong case about how it was clinically indicated for me to stay with her. Still, I panicked. I spent the rest of the day alternating between panic and complete dissociation. On the plus side I finally took a shower and even shaved my legs, which hasn't happened in probably over a month. Today things finally began to get better. I had a problem with my bank. I was supposed to have overdraft protection so if I didn't have the money in the account the purchase would be denied. Apparently that changed in April. I've just been lucky enough not to have overdrawn until now. I did it three times and then got a fourth charge for being overdrawn for so long. All told it added up to $140 in fees which is money I can't afford to lose. It took a week to get an answer but I went back to the bank today and I won my appeal and the money will be returned to me! Thank god because I don't know what I would have done if I couldn't get it back. My therapist called and said I was approved to see her again, however, I had to call the clinic (again) because I said stuff the wrong way yesterday. Apparently me telling them I wasn't going back to said clinic unless I could see the same therapist meant I didn't want to come back at all. Yeah, I'm not sure how that worked. But it worked out and I'll see her again on Thursday. I can finally breathe again! So this should be a good thing, right? And it absolutely is. But because I've been so incredibly stressed out by all of this I completely dissociated once it was confirmed I would be seeing her Thursday. I just slid into nothingness again. I was there, totally disconnected for at least two hours. I finally grounded enough to go get a sandwich for dinner. I came home and got lost in my head again. I took out my flute about two hours ago. And I played for ninety minutes. It was fabulous. It brought me back to my body and grounded me. I haven't played for so long in ages. I worked on tone, articulation, rhythm, and sight-reading. I also worked on some pieces I'm planning to play at church. One of them has two passages that are driving me insane. It's not that I can't play them, its that I psych myself out with them. So annoying. I would still be playing now except I don't want to drive the rest of the building insane. Plus, when I was younger I broke my pinky playing basketball and when I play for too long my finger starts to hurt because it didn't heal correctly. So was it a detour or was it getting lost? I'm honestly not sure. And I'm not totally out of the woods yet either. However, I am starting to find my way again. The world isn't completely dark and covered in thorns I can't see anymore. I'm still going to have to be careful the next few days. I still feel pretty fragile and delicate but hopefully the light will grow stronger and I can find the correct path again. For now though I'm just glad to be seeing cracks of light again.