Dark humor

On Tuesday I was driving to physical therapy (i finally got discharged from it, yay) when I noticed a bulletin board on the side of the road. It's probably been there since I moved, but it's just back enough of the road and in trees enough for it not to be really noticeable. I tend to focus on the road when i'm driving which is a good thing. It says that depression can be fatal if it's not treated and to call some number. I just find it stupid because they are leaving out that depression can be fatal even WITH treatment. I'd had a pretty good weekend, although things took a bit of a dip Sunday. Prior to that I was beginning to believe things were changing and would maybe get better. I don't think I believe that anymore. I'm not suicidal by a long shot, I actually wish I was as the option sounds pretty good right now. Now I'm just worn out and broken down and I don't particularly know how to keep trying anymore.

There is so much to catch up on here but I don't have the energy right now. There have been changes. I moved, I do really like where I live now. My dog no longer lives with me, she had horrid anxiety at night here and I can't get her used to it no matter what I try. I miss her terribly and it's affecting me a lot the past few days. I haven't had contact with anyone in my family (except text messages to my mother for money) other then brief contact with my grandfather in about a month. That's been very hard on some levels but incredibly freeing in other ways. It does make me sad. I still wish I had a family who care about me but it's too broken now. It's adding to the sadness and isolation I feel at the moment.

I've been all over the place with therapy. I love it, I hate it, I trust her, I don't. Now I'm ready to quit again due to the incredible sadness and weariness. Things just don't seem to be getting better. I'm in a different place but it's a whole new pile of shit to wade through and I don't have the strength.

oops, i disappeared

I've neglected this blog for far too long. A lot has happened and changed. I will hopefully have the time and energy to update in the near future. I've been getting tired very easily lately because therapy is draining me of a lot of energy. I'm happy to be able to say the five month long severe depression has finally ended. January had it's ups and downs but I managed to get through them without hitting critically severe depression levels or getting suicidal. And after the months of August through December that is not something to be ignored.

I've got a potentially busy weekend coming up so the update might not be in the next few days. And so much has changed and so much time has elapsed that I couldn't coherently or concisely update everything. But I want to hit the highlights and will do so over the next week or so.