jessa

in the interest of not typing everything again this is copied from an email to our therapist.

there is a 'new' one. she keeps laughing and saying she's not new, she's always been here but is just making herself known. its been a weird random day and we ended up in . driving home there were thoughts of tattoos and nose piercings, as when we pierced our nose (and the three times we did the belly button too) it was in . it seemed a bit hypomanicky but we weren't worried and then followed the thought and thinking and suddenly jessa introduced herself. she's probably most similar to core me, just more amplified and free spirited. probably more the me i would have been at her age if we'd been not did. she's either 21 or 23, she's going back and forth on that and we're not clear. 21 is what she has said the most but other times its 23 and she's done with college. she's very free spirited and maybe is even part of the core personality at times. she's more apt to go further off the path though because she missed out and wants what she missed.

this has been weird and it was a interesting drive home having the internal conversation. we were able to drive safely during it. she laughs like silverly bells. and it makes a little bit of sense as 21/23 is about the upper limit of how old we ever feel. she might also be one of the ones (along with callie) who is able to help maintain the bubbly happy cover we seem to show to so many people.

our therapist responded that this was an excellent discovery.

and we responded to that with: maybe, but its scary to know this means there are probably more i'm not aware of. i thought i'd figured them out and they were mapped and apparently thats not the case. then again given that you felt resistance or something yesterday that i didn't feel at all maybe i shouldn't be surprised by this, especially given the events of the last few weeks.

Back again

Wow. Things have been bad. We ended up hospitalized for 12 days. It sucked but wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Not even close. After what happened to us last year (being told we were psychotic and then when they realized the DID was accurately diagnosed they panicked not knowing what to do) we didn't dare hope for what happened this year. It literally came down to the wire and there were times when suicide seemed incredibly likely. However, we refused the hospital for at least a week because we were terrified of being sent back where we went last year. We also knew help would be very limited, possibly non-existent and damage could worsen. Hospitals in this state aren't designed to treat but for crisis management. Sadly though that leads to continuous revolving hospital stays for many people because they are discharged not as suicidal but with the underlying causes generally not addressed at all. And we were terrified of that happening because we came alarming close to suicide this time and if we were discharged without help/too soon we weren't going to try again.

Thankfully we ended up in a decent place and got some help, mainly being kept safe until we could begin using coping skills again. Our case manager and therapist REALLY went to bat advocating for us and what we needed. We were able to stay in touch with them through email and phone. That also helped a huge amount. The hospital was difficult and triggering at times. It was supposed to originally be a 3-4 day stay. That didn't happen due to the challenges of aftercare but my outpatient team made sure things were planned as best they could be for me. Without them there is no doubt we would have been discharged much earlier and not able to handle things.

We got home Tuesday. It was awesome to get home as we got in a power struggle with the inpatient team on Monday and had hit our limit of what we could tolerate. They were going to keep us even longer but finally let us go. Thank goodness! We've reconnected with our outpatient team and other supports. We are in a much much better place and are no longer praying for the strength to commit suicide. Things are better with our outpatient team too as we were ready to stop seeing them. We were pretty confused and upset but this is a pattern this time of year.

Our therapist is changing things up and focusing on bodywork and being present in it. Not too sure what to think of this yet. Actually, we did it the first time on Thursday and hated it. Things have been good since being home. Very busy and a lot to catch up on and deal with. There is a plan in place for us to go to respite on the 9th if we want or need to. We are going to reassess and see where we are then. There is also the possibility of adding in equine assisted therapy to our treatment. This is exciting but terrifying as we are pretty scared of horses.

Things were bad, really bad, and suicide was very very close to happening. Hopefully next year respite can prevent the need to be sent inpatient and allow us to continue working with our team and getting treatment but the extra support needed during this time of year.

Again

And just like that, hope has been completely dashed again. Not that I'd really gotten any back to begin with but I was trying to find something to hold on to. I'm back to praying for the strength to die. I no longer have the strength to keep fighting this. I'm not at the point of suicide yet but can't keep on like this.

I've let my therapist know I can't keep on after tomorrow. It's nothing she has done, but I need more then outpatient care. Sadly, that is all that is available to me as the inpatient care available to me won't treat me. The last time I tried it they said they didn't know what to do. I've realized I don't really want to die but I don't really know what else to try. If I could find more intense treatment I'd jump at it. Unfortunately nothing is available and I can no longer fight this as an outpatient. I just have to manage to get through tomorrow's appointment without being sectioned.

So tired

I'm so worn out. So tired of fighting. I was strong enough that I probably could have overdosed last Thursday. I chose not to, but now wonder if maybe I should have. Right now I don't have the strength or enough of a desire to do so. I want the pain to stop though. I'm just so tired of nothing ever working, of not having access to what could help me get better to defeat this. I am so tired of living a life sentence to pay for someone else's crimes against me when he will never be punished. I keep telling my treatment team that I can't do this anymore and they just aren't listening. I don't know what else to do. Why won't they believe me when I tell them I am too tired to keep going on like this and either need to quit for good or for something to change now?

Numb

More numb today than we have been in a very long time. This might give us strength. Therapy at 4:30PM. Unless she comes up with a plan of action we are quitting therapy today. Six more hours to go. Wish there was something to make the time go faster. We already feel dead inside. Not even sure if we'l be able to talk or communicate with her but maybe it doesn't matter at this point.

I had contacted two more places to try to find more help. Both got back to me today. They have no options or suggestions, they are sorry I'm in this position. And then they tell me not to give up. Yeah, sorry, way too late for that.

It would almost be funny if it wasn't so sad and serious.

I just need to get through the next two months. Just two months. 61 days. For some reason this time of year is difficult for me and I melt down. Last year was the first year there was enough stability to notice the pattern. We'd been mostly stable since coming home from Sheppard Pratt and then August rolled around and a melt down ensued. It landed us inpatient. We're hoping very much to avoid that this time around.

In 61 days it will be October and hopefully we'll be OK. Last year we were a wreck straight through until November, possibly even December, but we also dealt with the unexpected death of a dear friend in October.

Things have been challenging and its become even more apparent to both us and our therapist just how chaotic things are internally. It's always chaotic and we're just awesome at hiding it from everyone, including some of us.