I'm not doing so well and that frustrates me to no end. The week my therapist was away, this past week, I did really well. I was shocked at how well I did. I was uneasy having her away and knowing she couldn't get email but didn't dwell on it like I normally do. I ended up going to the beach, cooking a lot, and visiting friends who live two hours away. I had a good week. I even began to consider looking for a very part time job. My money situation is very bad and I was thinking maybe it was a possibility.
Then yesterday happened. I saw her at the new office and she had to do an intake. It's the fourth time I've done an intake with her in the almost 27 months I've been seeing her. This was the worst one, even the first one when I didn't know her at all wasn't bad. The questions she had to ask me for this place were relentless and so personal and invasive. And this is my feeling with a therapist who knows me more at this point then anyone ever has. It was upsetting and finally got to the point where I was in tears and told her I couldn't continue with it. I don't think she'd read through the intake form or even seen it prior to going through it with me. She was fine with that and said enough had been done and she'd either fill in the gaps or leave it blank. I told her had this been my first appointment with her I would not be going back.
I spent the rest of yesterday in a daze that worsened as the day went on. I tried distracting myself and going to church and being around people who are supportive. I think I hid the distress I was in pretty well from them. Then I came back to my mother's, I'm house sitting for her, and just collapsed on the couch. I'm a wreck. I began apartment and job hunting and just everything is a mess. I also realized yesterday that besides not being comfortable with the intake at this new place, which has led to me not wanting to return, I also don't feel confident my therapist will stay there. The last time she went to a new place it barely lasted. This place seems more established but all the forms yesterday make me think the person who's practice this belongs to is very different from my therapist and its not going to work out in the long run. I emailed my therapist last night explaining some of this to her. Not the last part though about thinking its not going to work. I don't think I did. I never got a response and given that I've had problems with Yahoo not delivering things I sent it again this morning via gmail.
It's 4PM and still no response. I've not gotten off the couch today except to take care of the dogs. I had things i really needed to go out and do today and just can't do it. I'm scared that this all came on so fast. And I'm even more worried in that this is the time of year things traditionally begin to not be good for me. I'm absolutely not suicidal but the old struggle about not being able to live but being afraid to die is very strong within me right now.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Break for a week
My therapist is away this week. Usually there is a lot of panic when she is away, especially as my case manager is still on medical leave and I haven't gotten to know my new pdoc very well yet. Not this time. The break is needed. Almost 16 years of being in therapy and this is the first time that sentiment has ever been felt! A lot of us inside need a break from the analyzing and processing and everything that goes with being in therapy, especially being in therapy with her.
Lately we've been all over the map with her. We love her. We hate her. We trust her. And then we hate her some more and get mad at her again. She's gotten inside our head in a way no one ever has. This has to led to other people being able to get in somewhat, but not in the manner she has. We've accused her of being able to read our mind at times. She denies this but says while she can't read direct thoughts she is able to intuit a lot of things. She's got us seriously confused.
She knows all of this. She knows we hate, hate beyond belief, how much she has gotten inside us and how much she means to us. That it freaks us out completely but also fascinates us. We asked her again at the last appointment why she is doing this and she said she's told us. We asked her to clue as in as there was no memory. She said because we are worth it. And so we turned red and got upset and mad again and hid behind our stuffed lion.
We did finally admit to her that we came as close to a suicide attempt as possible without it being an attempt over the belief we'd lost her. We've slept better since then. She dealt with it well. We refused to go into much detail but one of the insiders forced us to write an email to her prior to the appointment last Thursday cluing her in on what we haven't been able to tell her. It was made clear we wouldn't sleep if we didn't do it and we were beyond tired that night. After ignoring it and not being able to sleep we sent a long rambling email to her. She keeps saying we're doing really good work right now. That we are doing well. We're not so sure about that.
One thing we realized is she's not only the first therapist we've ever told face to face we hated she's the first we've ever allowed ourselves to get mad at. She's the only one who has gotten that close. She's making us crazy. She's enjoying this struggle to a degree too. She says she's honored we are struggling so much with this.
Wherever she is right now she has no computer access. This sucks but she says we can still email her and she will respond when she returns. We like her being gone and not having to see her (for the brief moment) but do wish we could email her if needed. She's gotten so far inside our head. It's annoying and scary and wonderful and terrifying and overwhelming and on and on and on.
We're taking advantage of the break. We aren't thinking more than is required. Today was spent dicing a crap ton of zucchini and then making a spaghetti sauce. We still have a lot of zucchini left. We also made a veggie lentil stew. Cooked veggie beet chickpea quinoa burgers from scratch last night that are out of this world. We also dragged out our clarinet and remember none of the fingerings so will have to relearn those. Tomorrow will probably be sent cooking some more and hopefully working on some music as well.
Lately we've been all over the map with her. We love her. We hate her. We trust her. And then we hate her some more and get mad at her again. She's gotten inside our head in a way no one ever has. This has to led to other people being able to get in somewhat, but not in the manner she has. We've accused her of being able to read our mind at times. She denies this but says while she can't read direct thoughts she is able to intuit a lot of things. She's got us seriously confused.
She knows all of this. She knows we hate, hate beyond belief, how much she has gotten inside us and how much she means to us. That it freaks us out completely but also fascinates us. We asked her again at the last appointment why she is doing this and she said she's told us. We asked her to clue as in as there was no memory. She said because we are worth it. And so we turned red and got upset and mad again and hid behind our stuffed lion.
We did finally admit to her that we came as close to a suicide attempt as possible without it being an attempt over the belief we'd lost her. We've slept better since then. She dealt with it well. We refused to go into much detail but one of the insiders forced us to write an email to her prior to the appointment last Thursday cluing her in on what we haven't been able to tell her. It was made clear we wouldn't sleep if we didn't do it and we were beyond tired that night. After ignoring it and not being able to sleep we sent a long rambling email to her. She keeps saying we're doing really good work right now. That we are doing well. We're not so sure about that.
One thing we realized is she's not only the first therapist we've ever told face to face we hated she's the first we've ever allowed ourselves to get mad at. She's the only one who has gotten that close. She's making us crazy. She's enjoying this struggle to a degree too. She says she's honored we are struggling so much with this.
Wherever she is right now she has no computer access. This sucks but she says we can still email her and she will respond when she returns. We like her being gone and not having to see her (for the brief moment) but do wish we could email her if needed. She's gotten so far inside our head. It's annoying and scary and wonderful and terrifying and overwhelming and on and on and on.
We're taking advantage of the break. We aren't thinking more than is required. Today was spent dicing a crap ton of zucchini and then making a spaghetti sauce. We still have a lot of zucchini left. We also made a veggie lentil stew. Cooked veggie beet chickpea quinoa burgers from scratch last night that are out of this world. We also dragged out our clarinet and remember none of the fingerings so will have to relearn those. Tomorrow will probably be sent cooking some more and hopefully working on some music as well.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Long time gone
I haven't written in a very long time. Life got very hard. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. I can't even remember all that has happened, let alone summarize in a way that isn't a novel and still makes sense. I didn't keep writing here through it because things were so bad and uncertain.
My therapist told me at the end of April she was leaving her current clinic. I knew it was coming and we had been trying to figure out how I cold stay with her. Due to insurance crap it kept looking uncertain. I eventually got incredibly upset and overwhelmed and didn't go to an appointment. Maybe two, but I think just one. My minister talked me through that one and I went back, very wary and uncertain. After going back she messaged me that she had found a way for me to continue with her. Except really she hadn't due to limited finances from not being able to work. I got incredibly freaked out, upset, overwhelmed and essentially lost my mind. I walked out on that appointment after maybe 10 minutes in. Told her I was done. That she had been promising things that weren't true and I didn't trust her and if I couldn't trust her I wasn't trusting anyone.
The next few weeks would be horrible. I came closer to suicide then I have in years. The only thing that stopped me was that at least I know the suckiness in this life, not so much about the next one. I had the police called on me for a wellness check. This is after I was legitimately no longer suicidal and had tried conveying this to people via email. No one was listening. I told no one when I was suicidal. I'm sure people suspected but I had everything figured out and could have done it without being stopped. Happily I avoided hospitalization this time. And I never followed through on those plans.
I quit therapy. I quit church. I quit case management and psychiatry. I essentially quit life and quit talking to people. I hated the world. I did stay in contact with people a bit via email and FB hoping they'd eventually leave me alone. I also hoped it would prevent panic on the part of other people. Neither one worked. I tried giving my dog away too which also apparently sent up alarms. I didn't want to give her away, just thought it was better for her.
Basically enough people rallied together and my therapist convinced my mother to pay the copay for awhile. She did say she is going to try to see if she can eventually lower or waive it. Due to insurance complications she isn't sure yet what she can do.
I'm better now. I'm sorta liking life again. I go to the farm on Mondays and do the CSA. I'm enjoying talking to people coming to pick up their produce and playing with their kids. I've gotten involved in church life again. Possibly over-involved. I'm cooking up a storm with all of the produce I'm getting. I've made a vegan cheesecake that was quite good. I've fallen in love with kohlrabi fries. I'm taking with friends again and being somewhat social.
I still need a lot of time alone to just breathe and continue coping with things. I can only take so much of people, noise, crowds, that sort of thing. I've had a very busy past few days and today am stuck at home waiting to switch internet providers. It's annoying because I have things I need to do. I love the downtime though.
I met my new psychiatrist about two weeks ago. I adore her. I looked at her in shock after the appointment and said I liked her. That never happens. She's good. I'm currently on no medications. I am taking 5HTP daily and valerian, plus a lot of vitamins. She is good. More on her in the future.
Things are now set up for me to transfer with my therapist to her new clinic. I'm better with her but it's still hard. I broke out in hives at my appointment with her on Tuesday because of how stressed I got. I've only had hives once in my life before due to an allergic reaction to medication. I've never had stress hives before. It was bizarre.
I wrote two poems in the midst of all this going on that shed even more light on some of the underlying issues. I wonder if these issues will ever, ever be resolved? It was stuff I thought I'd worked through but apparently have not.
This is getting very long and so I will stop at this point. I will eventually write more about the new psychiatrist, the transition to the new clinic (as it happens), and other things going on in my life. The dissociation had gotten pretty bad with all of the stuff going on. A lot of switching at times and a lack of awareness of reality. It's getting better.
I'm still here, still breathing, somewhat stable, and for now that is enough.
My therapist told me at the end of April she was leaving her current clinic. I knew it was coming and we had been trying to figure out how I cold stay with her. Due to insurance crap it kept looking uncertain. I eventually got incredibly upset and overwhelmed and didn't go to an appointment. Maybe two, but I think just one. My minister talked me through that one and I went back, very wary and uncertain. After going back she messaged me that she had found a way for me to continue with her. Except really she hadn't due to limited finances from not being able to work. I got incredibly freaked out, upset, overwhelmed and essentially lost my mind. I walked out on that appointment after maybe 10 minutes in. Told her I was done. That she had been promising things that weren't true and I didn't trust her and if I couldn't trust her I wasn't trusting anyone.
The next few weeks would be horrible. I came closer to suicide then I have in years. The only thing that stopped me was that at least I know the suckiness in this life, not so much about the next one. I had the police called on me for a wellness check. This is after I was legitimately no longer suicidal and had tried conveying this to people via email. No one was listening. I told no one when I was suicidal. I'm sure people suspected but I had everything figured out and could have done it without being stopped. Happily I avoided hospitalization this time. And I never followed through on those plans.
I quit therapy. I quit church. I quit case management and psychiatry. I essentially quit life and quit talking to people. I hated the world. I did stay in contact with people a bit via email and FB hoping they'd eventually leave me alone. I also hoped it would prevent panic on the part of other people. Neither one worked. I tried giving my dog away too which also apparently sent up alarms. I didn't want to give her away, just thought it was better for her.
Basically enough people rallied together and my therapist convinced my mother to pay the copay for awhile. She did say she is going to try to see if she can eventually lower or waive it. Due to insurance complications she isn't sure yet what she can do.
I'm better now. I'm sorta liking life again. I go to the farm on Mondays and do the CSA. I'm enjoying talking to people coming to pick up their produce and playing with their kids. I've gotten involved in church life again. Possibly over-involved. I'm cooking up a storm with all of the produce I'm getting. I've made a vegan cheesecake that was quite good. I've fallen in love with kohlrabi fries. I'm taking with friends again and being somewhat social.
I still need a lot of time alone to just breathe and continue coping with things. I can only take so much of people, noise, crowds, that sort of thing. I've had a very busy past few days and today am stuck at home waiting to switch internet providers. It's annoying because I have things I need to do. I love the downtime though.
I met my new psychiatrist about two weeks ago. I adore her. I looked at her in shock after the appointment and said I liked her. That never happens. She's good. I'm currently on no medications. I am taking 5HTP daily and valerian, plus a lot of vitamins. She is good. More on her in the future.
Things are now set up for me to transfer with my therapist to her new clinic. I'm better with her but it's still hard. I broke out in hives at my appointment with her on Tuesday because of how stressed I got. I've only had hives once in my life before due to an allergic reaction to medication. I've never had stress hives before. It was bizarre.
I wrote two poems in the midst of all this going on that shed even more light on some of the underlying issues. I wonder if these issues will ever, ever be resolved? It was stuff I thought I'd worked through but apparently have not.
This is getting very long and so I will stop at this point. I will eventually write more about the new psychiatrist, the transition to the new clinic (as it happens), and other things going on in my life. The dissociation had gotten pretty bad with all of the stuff going on. A lot of switching at times and a lack of awareness of reality. It's getting better.
I'm still here, still breathing, somewhat stable, and for now that is enough.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
