Adjusting

I'm here. Kinda, sorta, maybe. I'm pretty dissociated still. I've been incredibly dissociated since Wednesday night. You know when I was crying and hugged and held. It meant an incredible amount to me. It also apparently sent me into shock and then flight mode. And I'm so good at flight mode that I took off. I haven't felt grounded or real since then.

Therapy on Thursday was a bit of a mess. I dissociated completely the whole session. She said she thinks it was Wendy, the fourteen year old. She got to where she thought I was grounded enough to leave. I got my stuff and she started walking me out and I didn't make it. I couldn't feel the ground and so couldn't walk. She looked at me and said I didn't look good and I said I wasn't. It took 30 minutes of her sitting with me in a group room before I could ground enough to walk and safely drive home. Having someone come to get me would have been ideal but there wasn't anyone and so I had to get home. I got home and haven't left since.

I still don't feel real. I still don't feel attached to things. I still feel like I'm watching a movie that is actually my life. I can't connect to any of it.

I spent yesterday emailing my therapist a lot. She's pretty worried. She emailed my minister. I finally got brave enough to text my minister tonight and asked her to call me when she could. It was so hard for me to text her and ask for that. She called me and I just got off the phone with her.

I feel better. I'm still not grounded at all but I feel a bit lighter. She gets it as much as she can. She even made me laugh. She thinks my reactions are normal.

She said, "You are just getting used to being loved. That's all."

I'm just being loved, accepted, wanted, and valued for being who I am. Just for being me. And given my upbringing its new to me and so its an adjustment. And she thinks its normal.

She's only been at our church for a year. Exactly a year today. She posted that on her blog and I was dumbfounded by the fact that its only been a year. It feels like so much longer. She has made such a profound difference in my life, as have other people at my church.

I'm not real again yet. But I will be. I think. I hope. And until then there are people to help me.