Imploding

I'm struggling. Badly. It was a bad weekend. I had a horrible body memory Saturday night, a new one. Not as invasive as the one that usually comes but it was frightening enough. I woke up in terror convinced it was happening in the moment. This prevented me from being able to shower Sunday morning which meant I couldn't go to church. I wasn't happy about it but thought I was OK with it. Nope, saw pictures on Facebook later and cried because I was unable to go. All because I couldn't take a shower.

I can't take baths and haven't been able to in years. I've tried various ways to do it and gave up when just sitting in a dry tub in clothes made me panicky. Showers were never a problem until yesterday. If I'd showered more recently I would have sprayed perfume and gone to church in a hat. But I'd last showered Thursday morning and hadn't changed clothes since Thursday afternoon. That wasn't going to cut it.

Everything is confusing me. Life is totally overwhelming. I'm realizing even more how inequitable mental health treatment is to say, care for someone with cancer. Someone with cancer can have something incurable and elect for chemotherapy. It costs tons of money and won't save the person's life. It might buy them time, it might not. But they have that option to choose. Because my illnesses are trauma related I don't get that option. My coverage is limited and is pretty much gone for the rest of my life (inpatient wise). In my early thirties that is a huge concern.

I feel like my life is totally worthless to the insurance people and the government. If I could get proper treatment I might be able to do what I want most and get off disability in the future and work. Nope, sorry because I'm not wealthy and am a trauma survivor I get to just suck it up and try to get by with what is available, which is pretty much nothing.

Two forty-five minute visits a week with my therapist aren't cutting it at this point. I'm rapidly imploding and not sure what is going to be the end result. i don't even know if I care anymore.

This is horrible to say. I'm not suicidal but wish I was so I could just do it and die and get the hell out of this life.