Long time gone

I haven't written in a very long time. Life got very hard. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. I can't even remember all that has happened, let alone summarize in a way that isn't a novel and still makes sense. I didn't keep writing here through it because things were so bad and uncertain.

My therapist told me at the end of April she was leaving her current clinic. I knew it was coming and we had been trying to figure out how I cold stay with her. Due to insurance crap it kept looking uncertain. I eventually got incredibly upset and overwhelmed and didn't go to an appointment. Maybe two, but I think just one. My minister talked me through that one and I went back, very wary and uncertain. After going back she messaged me that she had found a way for me to continue with her. Except really she hadn't due to limited finances from not being able to work. I got incredibly freaked out, upset, overwhelmed and essentially lost my mind. I walked out on that appointment after maybe 10 minutes in. Told her I was done. That she had been promising things that weren't true and I didn't trust her and if I couldn't trust her I wasn't trusting anyone.

The next few weeks would be horrible. I came closer to suicide then I have in years. The only thing that stopped me was that at least I know the suckiness in this life, not so much about the next one. I had the police called on me for a wellness check. This is after I was legitimately no longer suicidal and had tried conveying this to people via email. No one was listening. I told no one when I was suicidal. I'm sure people suspected but I had everything figured out and could have done it without being stopped. Happily I avoided hospitalization this time. And I never followed through on those plans.

I quit therapy. I quit church. I quit case management and psychiatry. I essentially quit life and quit talking to people. I hated the world. I did stay in contact with people a bit via email and FB hoping they'd eventually leave me alone. I also hoped it would prevent panic on the part of other people. Neither one worked. I tried giving my dog away too which also apparently sent up alarms. I didn't want to give her away, just thought it was better for her.

Basically enough people rallied together and my therapist convinced my mother to pay the copay for awhile. She did say she is going to try to see if she can eventually lower or waive it. Due to insurance complications she isn't sure yet what she can do.

I'm better now. I'm sorta liking life again. I go to the farm on Mondays and do the CSA. I'm enjoying talking to people coming to pick up their produce and playing with their kids. I've gotten involved in church life again. Possibly over-involved. I'm cooking up a storm with all of the produce I'm getting. I've made a vegan cheesecake that was quite good. I've fallen in love with kohlrabi fries. I'm taking with friends again and being somewhat social.

I still need a lot of time alone to just breathe and continue coping with things. I can only take so much of people, noise, crowds, that sort of thing. I've had a very busy past few days and today am stuck at home waiting to switch internet providers. It's annoying because I have things I need to do. I love the downtime though.

I met my new psychiatrist about two weeks ago. I adore her. I looked at her in shock after the appointment and said I liked her. That never happens. She's good. I'm currently on no medications. I am taking 5HTP daily and valerian, plus a lot of vitamins. She is good. More on her in the future.

Things are now set up for me to transfer with my therapist to her new clinic. I'm better with her but it's still hard. I broke out in hives at my appointment with her on Tuesday because of how stressed I got. I've only had hives once in my life before due to an allergic reaction to medication. I've never had stress hives before. It was bizarre.

I wrote two poems in the midst of all this going on that shed even more light on some of the underlying issues. I wonder if these issues will ever, ever be resolved? It was stuff I thought I'd worked through but apparently have not.

This is getting very long and so I will stop at this point. I will eventually write more about the new psychiatrist, the transition to the new clinic (as it happens), and other things going on in my life. The dissociation had gotten pretty bad with all of the stuff going on. A lot of switching at times and a lack of awareness of reality. It's getting better.

I'm still here, still breathing, somewhat stable, and for now that is enough.