Instant decline

I'm not doing so well and that frustrates me to no end. The week my therapist was away, this past week, I did really well. I was shocked at how well I did. I was uneasy having her away and knowing she couldn't get email but didn't dwell on it like I normally do. I ended up going to the beach, cooking a lot, and visiting friends who live two hours away. I had a good week. I even began to consider looking for a very part time job. My money situation is very bad and I was thinking maybe it was a possibility.

Then yesterday happened. I saw her at the new office and she had to do an intake. It's the fourth time I've done an intake with her in the almost 27 months I've been seeing her. This was the worst one, even the first one when I didn't know her at all wasn't bad. The questions she had to ask me for this place were relentless and so personal and invasive. And this is my feeling with a therapist who knows me more at this point then anyone ever has. It was upsetting and finally got to the point where I was in tears and told her I couldn't continue with it. I don't think she'd read through the intake form or even seen it prior to going through it with me. She was fine with that and said enough had been done and she'd either fill in the gaps or leave it blank. I told her had this been my first appointment with her I would not be going back.

I spent the rest of yesterday in a daze that worsened as the day went on. I tried distracting myself and going to church and being around people who are supportive. I think I hid the distress I was in pretty well from them. Then I came back to my mother's, I'm house sitting for her, and just collapsed on the couch. I'm a wreck. I began apartment and job hunting and just everything is a mess. I also realized yesterday that besides not being comfortable with the intake at this new place, which has led to me not wanting to return, I also don't feel confident my therapist will stay there. The last time she went to a new place it barely lasted. This place seems more established but all the forms yesterday make me think the person who's practice this belongs to is very different from my therapist and its not going to work out in the long run. I emailed my therapist last night explaining some of this to her. Not the last part though about thinking its not going to work. I don't think I did. I never got a response and given that I've had problems with Yahoo not delivering things I sent it again this morning via gmail.

It's 4PM and still no response. I've not gotten off the couch today except to take care of the dogs. I had things i really needed to go out and do today and just can't do it. I'm scared that this all came on so fast. And I'm even more worried in that this is the time of year things traditionally begin to not be good for me. I'm absolutely not suicidal but the old struggle about not being able to live but being afraid to die is very strong within me right now.