Break for a week

My therapist is away this week. Usually there is a lot of panic when she is away, especially as my case manager is still on medical leave and I haven't gotten to know my new pdoc very well yet. Not this time. The break is needed. Almost 16 years of being in therapy and this is the first time that sentiment has ever been felt! A lot of us inside need a break from the analyzing and processing and everything that goes with being in therapy, especially being in therapy with her.

Lately we've been all over the map with her. We love her. We hate her. We trust her. And then we hate her some more and get mad at her again. She's gotten inside our head in a way no one ever has. This has to led to other people being able to get in somewhat, but not in the manner she has. We've accused her of being able to read our mind at times. She denies this but says while she can't read direct thoughts she is able to intuit a lot of things. She's got us seriously confused.

She knows all of this. She knows we hate, hate beyond belief, how much she has gotten inside us and how much she means to us. That it freaks us out completely but also fascinates us. We asked her again at the last appointment why she is doing this and she said she's told us. We asked her to clue as in as there was no memory. She said because we are worth it. And so we turned red and got upset and mad again and hid behind our stuffed lion.

We did finally admit to her that we came as close to a suicide attempt as possible without it being an attempt over the belief we'd lost her. We've slept better since then. She dealt with it well. We refused to go into much detail but one of the insiders forced us to write an email to her prior to the appointment last Thursday cluing her in on what we haven't been able to tell her. It was made clear we wouldn't sleep if we didn't do it and we were beyond tired that night. After ignoring it and not being able to sleep we sent a long rambling email to her. She keeps saying we're doing really good work right now. That we are doing well. We're not so sure about that.

One thing we realized is she's not only the first therapist we've ever told face to face we hated she's the first we've ever allowed ourselves to get mad at. She's the only one who has gotten that close. She's making us crazy. She's enjoying this struggle to a degree too. She says she's honored we are struggling so much with this.

Wherever she is right now she has no computer access. This sucks but she says we can still email her and she will respond when she returns. We like her being gone and not having to see her (for the brief moment) but do wish we could email her if needed. She's gotten so far inside our head. It's annoying and scary and wonderful and terrifying and overwhelming and on and on and on.

We're taking advantage of the break. We aren't thinking more than is required. Today was spent dicing a crap ton of zucchini and then making a spaghetti sauce. We still have a lot of zucchini left. We also made a veggie lentil stew. Cooked veggie beet chickpea quinoa burgers from scratch last night that are out of this world. We also dragged out our clarinet and remember none of the fingerings so will have to relearn those. Tomorrow will probably be sent cooking some more and hopefully working on some music as well.