Back again

Wow. Things have been bad. We ended up hospitalized for 12 days. It sucked but wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Not even close. After what happened to us last year (being told we were psychotic and then when they realized the DID was accurately diagnosed they panicked not knowing what to do) we didn't dare hope for what happened this year. It literally came down to the wire and there were times when suicide seemed incredibly likely. However, we refused the hospital for at least a week because we were terrified of being sent back where we went last year. We also knew help would be very limited, possibly non-existent and damage could worsen. Hospitals in this state aren't designed to treat but for crisis management. Sadly though that leads to continuous revolving hospital stays for many people because they are discharged not as suicidal but with the underlying causes generally not addressed at all. And we were terrified of that happening because we came alarming close to suicide this time and if we were discharged without help/too soon we weren't going to try again.

Thankfully we ended up in a decent place and got some help, mainly being kept safe until we could begin using coping skills again. Our case manager and therapist REALLY went to bat advocating for us and what we needed. We were able to stay in touch with them through email and phone. That also helped a huge amount. The hospital was difficult and triggering at times. It was supposed to originally be a 3-4 day stay. That didn't happen due to the challenges of aftercare but my outpatient team made sure things were planned as best they could be for me. Without them there is no doubt we would have been discharged much earlier and not able to handle things.

We got home Tuesday. It was awesome to get home as we got in a power struggle with the inpatient team on Monday and had hit our limit of what we could tolerate. They were going to keep us even longer but finally let us go. Thank goodness! We've reconnected with our outpatient team and other supports. We are in a much much better place and are no longer praying for the strength to commit suicide. Things are better with our outpatient team too as we were ready to stop seeing them. We were pretty confused and upset but this is a pattern this time of year.

Our therapist is changing things up and focusing on bodywork and being present in it. Not too sure what to think of this yet. Actually, we did it the first time on Thursday and hated it. Things have been good since being home. Very busy and a lot to catch up on and deal with. There is a plan in place for us to go to respite on the 9th if we want or need to. We are going to reassess and see where we are then. There is also the possibility of adding in equine assisted therapy to our treatment. This is exciting but terrifying as we are pretty scared of horses.

Things were bad, really bad, and suicide was very very close to happening. Hopefully next year respite can prevent the need to be sent inpatient and allow us to continue working with our team and getting treatment but the extra support needed during this time of year.