Again

And just like that, hope has been completely dashed again. Not that I'd really gotten any back to begin with but I was trying to find something to hold on to. I'm back to praying for the strength to die. I no longer have the strength to keep fighting this. I'm not at the point of suicide yet but can't keep on like this.

I've let my therapist know I can't keep on after tomorrow. It's nothing she has done, but I need more then outpatient care. Sadly, that is all that is available to me as the inpatient care available to me won't treat me. The last time I tried it they said they didn't know what to do. I've realized I don't really want to die but I don't really know what else to try. If I could find more intense treatment I'd jump at it. Unfortunately nothing is available and I can no longer fight this as an outpatient. I just have to manage to get through tomorrow's appointment without being sectioned.